FADE IN: Eastland classroom. The girls are all talking about their family collages for display. Mr. Bradley walks in.
MR. BRADLEY
Girls, Girls, hold it, hold it. As soon as you set your family tree projects up, please take a seat.
TOOTIE
You guys want to see some gorgeous ancestors? (Pointing to her pictures) These are my great grandparents. They had nine children. I don’t have to tell you they dug each other!
MR. BRADLEY
Okay (Indicating chalkboard) “Project Roots”. Now, I’m sure you all learned a lot about your families.
SUE ANN
Well, I did, Mr. Bradley. It made me appreciate the hardships my ancestors went through living in Kansas back in 1889.
BLAIR
Living in Kansas today is a hardship.
SUE ANN
Everyone can’t be in your shoes, Blair. Walking the streets of New York.
MR. BRADLEY
Uh, girls, girls. (Mr. Bradley walks over to Blair’s project, which is a bunch of clothes) What is this, your laundry?
BLAIR
No! It’s my assignment. I’m doing my family’s history through fashion.
MR. BRADLEY
Well, the 1950’s were a great decade, but what about the rest of the century?
BLAIR
Oh, it’s coming in a package from my father’s factory.
MR. BRADLEY
Well, it better be here today. Now each generation is a link in a chain of your heritage. “Sui Generus Fidelis”.
MOLLY
What does that mean?
TOOTIE
I don’t know, but it sounds dirty to me.
MR. BRADLEY
It means that you are the sum total of all your family’s history. (He looks at Natalie, who has no project to display) Natalie, where’s your project?
NATALIE
Uh, I lost it.
MR. BRADLEY
You lost it? You knew it was due today. I could give you an F.
NATALIE
So give me an F. I think it was a dumb project anyway!
(There is a knock at the door)
MR. BRADLEY
Come in.
(Mrs. Garrett comes in with Natalie’s project)
MRS. GARRETT
Excuse me, Mr. Bradley.
GIRLS
Hi, Mrs. Garrett!
MRS. GARRETT
Hi, girls! Natalie, you left this in the dorm. What’s the matter with you? You knew it was due today.
MR. BRADLEY
You said you lost it.
NATALIE
It’s really lousy.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, it’s very good. It’s fascinating your family history. You mind if I stay I while?
(She takes a seat)
MR. BRADLEY
Course n
ot.
NANCY
Natalie, you d
on’t look like either of your parents. They both have red hair.
MRS. GARRETT
That doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes it’s best not to look too closely at your “roots”.
MR. BRADLEY
Oh, this is very unusual. You have blue eyes and both your parents have brown eyes.
NATALIE
Mr. Bradley, do you have to pick on my parents’ eyeballs?
MR. BRADLEY
Well, of course not. This is just very rare when it occurs.
TOOTIE
Hey Nat. Maybe they pulled a switcheroo at the hospital!
(They laugh)
MOLLY
I guess the nurses got bored and played musical babies.
(They Laugh)
NATALIE
(Standing up) That’s not funny! It’s mean!
TOOTIE
Hey, Nat. We were only kidding.
NATALIE
Well, knock it off! I don’t even know if I was born in a hospital!
MR. BRADLEY
Natalie, what are you talking about?
NATALIE
Mr. Bradley, I didn’t want to do this project, and I don’t want to be in this class!
MRS. GARRETT
Then what’s the matter?
NATALIE
Haven’t you all figured it out? This isn’t my real family! I’m adopted!
(She runs out of the room)
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie! (She runs out after her) Wait a minute!
CINDY
Adopted?
CUT TO: Dorm room. Natalie is pacing back and forth. Mrs. Garrett comes in)
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie. Why didn’t you tell us you were adopted?
NATALIE
I didn’t want to talk about it. Working on my family tree just starts all those questions again.
MRS. GARRETT
What questions?
NATALIE
Who my real parents are, what they look like, why they gave me up.
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie, the important thing is that you do have a mother and a father and that they love you very much.
NATALIE
That’s what they say, but it doesn’t help the way I feel.
MRS. GARRETT
How do you feel?
NATALIE
I know who adopted me. Now I want to know who had me. I want to find my real mother.
MRS. GARRETT
Now wait a minute. You just told us ten minutes ago that you were adopted, and now you want to go off a
nd find your real mother? Just wait a minute and let us sort this out a little,
huh?
NATALIE
Sure, Mrs. Garrett. Take
all the time you need.
MRS. GARRETT
I’ll be right back. Don’t hire any detectives while I’m gone, huh? (As she reaches the door, the girls rush in) Hi, girls.
BLAIR
Hi, Mrs. Garrett. I’ve never seen Natalie so upset.
MRS. GARRETT
You know it. I’ll be back.
(She leaves. Natalie sits in a chair and the girls crowd around her.)
MOLLY
Did you just find out that you were adopted?
NATALIE
No, I’d known since I was five.
SUE ANN
Oh, Natalie. Why didn’t you tell us you were adopted?
NATALIE
Because I didn’t want to be treated any differently.
SUE ANN
That’s silly! We’re not going to change the way we treat you.
MOLLY
Sure (Gives her a piece of cake on the dresser) Here, have some cake.
NATALIE
See what I mean? You’re giving me gifts already. You feel sorry for me.
BLAIR
Natalie, it’s your cake.
NATALIE
Oh (Gives a small laugh) Thanks.
TOOTIE
But Natalie, you should have told me you were adopted. I’ve probably been saying some stupid stuff about you without even knowing it.
NATALIE
What do you mean, Tootie?
TOOTIE
Since you didn’t know who you are, I could have been insulting you every time I told a Polish joke.
SUE ANN
Tootie!
MOLLY
Do you know who your real parents are?
NATALIE
No.
MOLLY
That’s not all bad. Sometimes, I’d like to forget who mine are.
BLAIR
It must be tough every time you bump into someone on the street wondering if they are your real mom or dad.
TOOTIE
Yeah, Nat. Try not bumping into people.
SUE ANN
Tootie! (Taking Tootie to the bed away from Natalie)
BLAIR
I know exactly what you’re going through. The adoption trauma. I saw it all on the Dinah Shore show.
MOLLY
I remember that. They had this woman on there who spent 20 years looking for her real mother. The records were sealed and no one could help her. Dinah couldn’t believe it.
BLAIR
All of her clues turned out to be dead ends. Then one day, all of her searching finally paid off. She found her.
NATALIE
She did?
MOLLY
Yeah, on Skid Row.
NATALIE
Skid Row? It took twenty years?
MOLLY
She was one of the lucky ones. Some people spend their whole lives searching and never find a single clue.
NATALIE
Probably hard for a kid my age to track her mother down.
BLAIR
(Brightening up) Not if I were helping you?
NATALIE
What do you mean?
BLAIR
I’ve got connections. Listen, Natalie, do you really want to find your mother?
NATALIE
Well, sure, I guess so.
BLAIR
That’s all I need to know. My mother’s dating a judge who has access to everything.
SUE ANN
Blair, don’t go butting in. You think you’re such a big deal! Where would you be without your mother and her big shot boyfriends?
BLAIR
Probably like you dodging cow chips on Sunny Brook Farm. Sue Ann, I happen to be in a position to help Natalie and I’m going to do it.
SUE ANN
Blair, are you nuts? You can’t stick you nose into something that can change Natalie’s whole life!
BLAIR
Of course I can. What are friends for?
CUT TO: Outside the house. Mr. Bradley and Mrs. Garrett are standing outside. Mr. Bradley is holding a book.
MR. BRADLEY
Will you stop arguing with me? Just give her the book.
MRS. GARRETT
“Creative adoption”. You think a book is going to solve the problem?
MR. BRADLEY
Well, naturally it’s not as good as a talk from me but I’m tied up until 5:00. Now show her the chapter on famous adoptees. She’ll love the one about Moses in the bulrushes.
MRS. GARRETT
You really want me to hand her the book, do you? You don’t understand. Natalie is very, very upset.
MR. BRADLEY
Of course she’s very upset. Her genealogical chain has been broken. Linkus interruptus.
MRS. GARRETT
I’d like to linkus your interruptus. All right, look, I don’t want to argue with you, but that girl needs to get more in touch with her feelings. Oh! (She gives the book back to him and goes into the house)
MR. BRADLEY
(Following her inside) Wrong, wrong. Read Chapter 3. Self-pity is a downer.
MRS. GARRETT
I know that!
MR. BRADLEY
It’s not the function at Eastland to coddle children. It’s to prepare them to be strong and independent women.
MRS. GARRETT
Right, but you can’t deny painful feelings and just hope they will go away. (She heads up the stairs)
MR. BRADLEY
Don’t forget the book (Mrs. Garrett takes it) Now, the pitfall here isn’t being too emotional.
MRS. GARRETT
Now, Natalie isn’t getting emotional. She’s just being human!
MR. BRADLEY
You?
MRS. GARRETT
Yes. I am human. Some of us aren’t, you know.
(He starts to leave, but the phone rings and he turns to get it)
BLAIR
I’ll get it! (She rushes in)
NANCY
I’ll get it! (She rushes in as well)
MR. BRADLEY
I got it. (He picks up the phone) Eastland School. Judge? Judge who?
BLAIR
That’s for me, Mr. Bradley.
MR. BRADLEY
Blair Warner! It’s for you. (He gives her the phone. Nancy runs upstairs) Are you in any trouble? (Blair gives him a look) Well, I don’t mean “are you in trouble”? What kind of trouble are you in?
BLAIR
No trouble. He’s the judge…. of a beauty contest. (Gets back on the phone with Mr. Bradley staring) Excuse me. (To Mr. Bradley) This is kind of confidential.
Hello, Judge Garfield? Yes, this is Blair Warner. Monica Warner’s daughter. (Pause) Right. Um, remember when you told my mother if she ever needed anything to call? Well, we need something.
CUT TO: Dorm room. Mrs. Garrett comes in. The girls are all sitting on the bed.
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie, I…. Oh, forget it (She tosses the book down outside the door)
TOOTIE
What was that noise?
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, I must have dropped a book. Natalie, how are you doing?
NATALIE
I’m kind of confused.
MRS. GARRETT
About finding your mother? Well, listen. The choice is yours. You don’t have to make it today.
NATALIE
Mom would feel kind of terrible, would she?
MRS. GARRETT
She sure would. Well, all right. Come on, Natalie. Let’s take a walk and rap a little, all right?
(Blair comes in)
BLAIR
I have terrific news! The judge can get us the information we want. He’s calling in an hour with the name of Natalie’s real mother!
FADE OUT TO COMMERCIAL
FADE IN: Dorm room. Everyone is crowding around Natalie and talking at the same time.
MRS. GARRETT
Girls! Blair, I want to know exactly what’s going on here.
NATALIE
Didn’t you hear? Blair’s finding my real mother.
MRS. GARRETT
How?
BLAIR
Easy. I just called the judge’s office, dropped a few important names, and he’ll call right back.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, it’s not funny, Blair. (Blair starts chatting with Natalie) Blair! What you are doing is very dangerous and I want you to stop it right now!
BLAIR
Mrs. Garrett, Natalie’s my friend. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.
NATALIE
That’s right, Mrs. Garrett. This is my life, not yours. Blair’s doing me a favor by finding my real mother.
MRS. GARRETT
All right, Natalie. Come on. We’re going to talk this over with Mr. Bradley and your mother. We’re going to the office right now.
(She and Natalie leave the room)
CUT TO: Living room. Nancy is on the phone. Blair runs downstairs.
BLAIR
Nancy, get off the phone! I’m expecting an important call.
NANCY
This is important!
BLAIR
I’m sorry. I thought you were on the phone with that creep Roger!
NANCY
You Jerk! (Back on phone) She was only kidding, Roger. (Pause) What do you mean, she sounded cute? I’ll call you back later, Bye. (She hangs up and angrily goes upstairs. Blair starts dialing while Tootie walks in)
BLAIR
I’d better call the Judge. He probably tried to call here while that simp was on the phone with that wimp.
TOOTIE
Huh?
BLAIR
Hello? Uh, Judge Garfield please. Tell him it’s Monica Warner’s daughter again. (to Tootie) He’ll probably trip over his robe running to the phone.
TOOTIE
Oh brother.
BLAIR
Hello, Judge. Yeah, Uh-huh. Her adopted name is Natalie Green. Manhattan. September 2, 1966, so she’s a Virgo. (Pause) Thanks, Judge. And give my love to my mom, bye bye. (She hangs up) He’ll call right back. Some people at the Hall of Records only have a few favors, it’s like my mother said, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”
TOOTIE
Your mom sure is terrific to do all of this scratching for us, especially since it isn’t even our itch.
BLAIR
Just be thankful that my mother is between marriages.
(Molly walks in with a pad of paper and a pencil. Sue Ann comes downstairs)
MOLLY
Hey, you guys. I found this organization called ALMA. It helps adopted people track down their parents. But you have to be eighteen.
SUE ANN
Blair, you’re not going to go through with your stupid plan to find Natalie’s mother, are you?
BLAIR
Sure, I just snipped some red tape and I’m waiting for the phone to ring.
SUE ANN
Don’t you remember? Opening sealed records is against the law!
TOOTIE
Says who?
SUE ANN
Says Dinah Shore. And Charles Nelson Reilly agreed with her.
BLAIR
Don’t be so naïve. There are always loopholes.
MOLLY
And it’s an unfair law. It deserves to be looped.
(The phone rings)
BLAIR
Well, this is it. (She goes to the phone as Nancy comes down the stairs) Hello? Yes, this is Blair Warner
NANCY
Is that Roger?
BLAIR
(To Nancy) Will you get out of here? (On phone) Excuse me, Judge.
SUE ANN
Nancy, it’s not Roger, but I wish it was.
NANCY
You’re after Roger, too? I thought you were my friend!
MOLLY
It’s not Roger, It’s just a judge helping us track down Natalie’s real mother.
NANCY
Oh, that’s all?
BLAIR
(On phone) Thanks, Judge. Talk to you later. Goodbye.
TOOTIE
Well, come on! What’s her name?
BLAIR
You mean their names. There were 34 baby girls born in Manhattan on Natalie’s birthday.
TOOTIE
34? Is that all? Wow, it must have been a slow day.
BLAIR
He’ll call back in a minute. He thinks he can get the exact name.
SUE ANN
I still say you’re doing the wrong thing. But you did get further than I thought you would.
BLAIR
All it took as a little (Snaps her fingers) Warner magic!
(Cindy comes in with a package)
CINDY
Oh, Blair, this just came to you from your father’s company, Warner Fashions.
BLAIR
Oh, terrific! (She opens the box)
CINDY
Now remember, I get to wear the 40’s look. You promised.
BLAIR
Wait ‘til you see the wide shoulders. They are so terrif…. (She pulls out some sexy lingerie, in fact everything in the box in lingerie) What is this?!?!
(The girls take out some intimate pieces)
TOOTIE
Hey! This is kinky!
BLAIR
No! No! NO! This must be some mistake! This couldn’t be from my daddy’s company!
SUE ANN
(Reading the tag) Oh yeah? “Warner Fashions- Anre of Hollywood division”!
MOLLY
Anre of Hollywood? Isn’t he the king of passion fashion?
CINDY
Yeah, I always read his ads in the magazines I’m not allowed to read.
BLAIR
No, this is supposed to be from the Warner Historical Department!
NANCY
I could make history in this baby. (Holds up a black nightie)
TOOTIE
Boy! I never saw a nightie that had…. INSTRUCTIONS!!
(Blair puts the lingerie back in the box as fast as she can)
SUE ANN
What’s the matter, Blair? It’s just a little more (Snaps) Warner magic.
NANCY
(Holding up lingerie with running lights) These must be called the Switched On Sizzlers!
(Mr. Bradley, Mrs. Garrett and Natalie all walk in the front door)
MR. BRADLEY
I just can’t understand how you can give Blair permission to search for Natalie’s real mother.
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley, why don’t you let me explain?
MR. BRADLEY
You’d better explain! I had it with your permissiveness. This time, you have gone too far. (He turns around to see all the girls with the lingerie and Blair looks like she is busted. Mr. Bradley is shocked) I take that back. You’ve gone far too far. What is this?
MRS. GARRETT
That’s NOT the school uniform. Uh, how do you turn that on? (Indicating the running lights nightie) Oh, don’t tell me.
MR. BRADLEY
Anre of Hollywood? In Eastland?
MRS. GARRETT
Oh. Mr. Bradley! You can read that label across the room?
MR. BRADLEY
Don’t change the subject.
MOLLY
Mr. Bradley, these aren’t Blair’s kinky panties. They’re her father’s.
MRS. GARRETT
What???
CINDY
He doesn’t wear them. He manufactures them. What a family tree!
MRS. GARRETT
Now, wait a minute, Wait a minute! Why are we talking about underwear? We’ve got a real problem here!
MR. BRADLEY
Natalie didn’t have a real problem until you let Blair talk to that judge in New York.
BLAIR
Oh. Mr. Bradley, you can’t blame Mrs. Garrett for that.
MR. BRADLEY
Blair, you are in enough trouble already. You opened up a can of worms that Natalie has to struggle with for the rest of her life.
MRS. GARRETT
Blair was just trying to be a friend. Her heart was in the right place, but I don’t know where your head was!
MR. BRADLEY
Her head will be on a platter if she gets a hold of that Judge again.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, now she’s figured this out already by herself.
BLAIR
It’s too late, Mrs. Garrett.
MRS. GARRETT
What do you mean it’s too late?
BLAIR
The judge will be calling here any minute, with the name of Natalie’s real mother.
NATALIE
Already? Things sure are moving.
MR. BRADLEY
You can just forget it. I’m not letting you near that phone.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, that’s no solution. You can’t keep her away from the phone forever.
TOOTIE
That’s right. Judge Garfield is easy to get to.
SUE ANN
Sure, just ask Blair’s mother.
MR. BRADLEY
I think you girls have helped Natalie enough. Now, why don’t you go upstairs?
(The girls get up, but Mrs. Garrett stops them)
MRS. GARRETT
Well, now, wait girls. Oh please, Mr. Bradley. We’re all in on this. Let them stay. Come on. Natalie, you know you got two families already. Your real family at home and another one here, right?
GIRLS
Right.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, Natalie, you’re just surrounded with love.
NATALIE
I know I have a lot of families, but shouldn’t I be looking for my real parents?
MRS. GARRETT
Your mother and father are your real parents. They chose you to be their very own.
TOOTIE
Sure, they picked you from a cast of thousands.
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie, I’m sure you’ve discussed this with your parents. What do they say?
NATALIE
Oh, they said my real parents were healthy. But I got to know more. There’s an empty space inside of me. I’m incomplete.
BLAIR
Well, you won’t be when the call comes.
MRS. GARRETT
You don’t feel incomplete because you’re adopted. You feel incomplete because you’re thirteen.It’s part of growing up.
CINDY
Yeah, Natalie. You don’t have to be adopted to feel weird about yourself. I’m not adopted and I feel weird.
MRS. GARRETT
Don’t you girls ever look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Who am I?” Huh? Oh, come on! I remember I did it, hmmm?
MOLLY
I do
NANCY
Me too.
TOOTIE
See, you’re not the only one that feels different.
MRS. GARRETT
Anyone else?
MR. BRADLEY
Well, I’m only human. I don’t let you girls see me as your leader, cool, detached, separated from the fold….
MRS. GARRETT
Thank you, Mr. Bradley.
BLAIR
Okay, okay. Even I have my insecurities. I’m not talking about Daddy and his electric underwear.
MRS. GARRETT
Natalie, I’m not saying that you have special feelings and questions that you want to be answered. I’m suggesting that now isn’t the right time to seek the answers. If you want to find your natural mother, perhaps they’ll be time for that when you’ve done a little more growing. In the meantime, you have a mother at home with a special kind of loving she has for you. (She takes out a clipping) This is for you. It’s a poem I clipped out of a newspaper. Could have been written by your mother. “Not Flesh of my flesh, Not Bone of my Bone, but still Miraculously, my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”
NATALIE
That’s really nice, Mrs. Garrett.
(The phone rings)
TOOTIE
Here comes the judge.
MRS. GARRETT
I think it’s for you, Natalie. Are you ready for it?
(Natalie gets up to go to the phone, but stops midway and thinks a minute, then turns back around)
NATALIE
Hey, how about everyone coming up to my room? We can finish some of mom’s seven-layer cake.
(The girls agree as they all go upstairs. Mrs. Garrett hugs Natalie as the episode ends)
