FADE IN: The Eastland Living room. The girls are sitting on the couch trying to watch TV as Mr. Bradley tries to fix it. Mrs. Garrett comes in.
MRS. GARRETT
Hi there, Gang!
EVERYONE
Hi, Mrs. Garrett!
CINDY
Mrs. Garrett, the horizontal’s wobbly again.
MRS. GARRETT
(Takes out a meat gavel) I’ll give it a shot with my TV tenderizer.
MR. BRADLEY
(Stopping her) This is not hamburger helper. It’s a sensitive piece of electronic equipment. I have been fixing TVs since high school.
NATALIE
They had TV’s back then?
MR. BRADLEY
Here’s the problem. (Reaches behind the TV and pulls a wire. All the lights go out in the room)
MRS. GARRETT
(Lighting a candle) All right, Mr. Good wrench. Tell me, in high school, did you also fix fuse boxes?
MR. BRADLEY
No.
MRS. GARRETT
Good, then we still have a chance. Follow me. (They stumble about in the darkness and leave the room) Tootie, let me know when the lights come back on.
TOOTIE
Roger!
(Blair and Jason come in to the darkened house, unknowingly being watched by the other girls in the darkness)
BLAIR
Everyone must be asleep. Goodnight, Jason. It was a good rehearsal. The play went really well.
JASON
I could use a little bit more practice on the love scene. You’re a great Juliet.
(They kiss passionately)
BLAIR
Uh, goodnight, Jason. Thank you.
JASON
Whoa, I thought you liked me.
BLAIR
Oh, I do! I do, but…well, I have a poem to do tomorrow. I haven’t even started it.
JASON
I’m great at poetry.How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
BLAIR
I’ll count them. You’re too busy.
MR. BRADLEY
(Off screen) Anything turned on up there, Tootie?
TOOTIE
Yeah, but it’s not the lights!!
(The lights come back on and Blair and Jason are surprised at seeing all the girls on the couch)
BLAIR
Hi!
MR. BRADLEY
(Coming in) Blair. What’s going on here?
MRS. GARRETT
Think hard, you’ll figure it out.
BLAIR
This is Jason Hoss. He’s Romeo to my Juliet.
JASON
We were just rehearsing.
MR. BRADLEY
Well, rehearsal’s over, Romeo.
BLAIR
Well, it’s surely been a stimulating evening. (The girls whoop it up) Jason (She shakes his hand)
JASON
Oh, right.
NATALIE
Good night, Romeo!
(Jason leaves)
MR. BRADLEY
Blair, I know you have a very busy schedule. Starring in the school play, rehearsing with your lead man. Getting back to the old humdrum world of education, I presume you have completed your poetry assignment for tomorrow.
BLAIR
Sure! Well, you know, I just got to put a little polish on it.
MR. BRADLEY
I don’t care if you polish it or hot wax it. I want that poem on my desk tomorrow.
(He leaves. Then Blair starts arguing with the girls.)
MRS. GARRETT
QUIET!!!!! Mr. Bradley means it. Do you really have your poem?
BLAIR
Yes, I have my poem right up here (Indicating her head) I just have to put it down in paper.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, you can’t put it down on paper unless you put this (Pats her butt) in a chair up there (Indicating upstairs)
(Blair starts for the stairs, but the minute Mrs. Garrett is turned, Blair pats her on the butt and runs up the stairs)
CUT TO: Dorm room. Blair is looking at herself in the mirror and putting moisturizer on her face. Tootie comes in with a toothbrush in her mouth.
TOOTIE
Blair, what are you doing up so late?
BLAIR
I’m writing a poem.
TOOTIE
You mean you haven’t finished it yet?
BLAIR
I haven’t even put on my moisturizer.
TOOTIE
Never mind your moisture. You better write some poetry before Bradley hangs you out to dry.
BLAIR
Well, I will, but first I have to get inspired.
TOOTIE
Should I send for Jason and his magic lips?
BLAIR
Tootie, you’re talking about the man I might be pinned to.
TOOTIE
On second thought, you better stop dreaming about Jason and start thinking about Bradley.
BLAIR
You’re right. Maybe if I looked at some poetry, it might help. I just have to get inspired. (She goes to a desk and finds a book) “Poems of Emily Dickinson”. (She opens the book) She can’t be much. Look at the way she wears her hair. (Flipping through pages) Let’s see. “Beauty crowds me ‘til I die/ Beauty have mercy on me/ But if I inspire today/ let it be in sight of thee.”
TOOTIE
I don’t understand a word of that. It must be good.
BLAIR
It’s a beautiful poem. You know, she writes the way I’d write if I had the time. (Brightens up) Hey! I’ll just change a few lines, you know, to give it the Blair touch.
TOOTIE
Blair, you don’t have to be Nancy Drew to figure out that’s cheating.
BLAIR
Who’s cheating? I’m just borrowing a poem from a woman who died in 1886. It’s not like I’m copying from the girl in front of me. Besides, it’s only cheating when someone finds out. And no one knows but you and me.
TOOTIE
Sure, and you’re not gonna tell! (She leaves)
BLAIR
Uh, Tootie! You WILL keep my secret, WON’T you?
TOOTIE
You know me.
BLAIR
I sure do. Whatever I tell you goes in one ear and out your mouth.
TOOTIE
Blair, don’t worry. I just hope I don’t start talking in my sleep.
BLAIR
Exactly what would make you shut up in your sleep?
TOOTIE
Oh, if I wasn’t under so much pressure….
BLAIR
All right, what pressure?
TOOTIE
Well, I got to make my bed every day.
BLAIR
I’ll make your bed.
TOOTIE
And clean my room everyday.
BLAIR
All right.
TOOTIE
And press my uniform!
BLAIR
All right, Tootie! That’s it!
TOOTIE
That is too much. Having a white maid! (She leaves)
CUT TO: Living room. The girls are sitting on the couch watching Mrs. Garrett bending over trying to fix the TV.)
MRS. GARRETT
Well, the vertical’s fixed. How’s my horizontal?
SUE ANN
It’s blocking the set.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, I guess that’s not an insult. It’s only a 19-inch screen.
(Nancy goes to the TV)
CINDY
Oh Nancy, turn on the football game.
MOLLY
Not the Dallas Cowboys! They exploit women by using cheerleaders as sex objects.
NATALIE
You won’t feel that way when you have your own set of pom-poms.
(Mr. Bradley comes in with a folder)
MR. BRADLEY
Hello, girls. I’m going to read your poetry grades.
(The girls get excited)
TOOTIE
(Shushing them up) Hey, you guys, this is big. Be quiet!
MR. BRADLEY
Blair: A-plus. Sue Ann: C-minus. Molly: D.
MOLLY
You’re kidding!
MR. BRADLEY
Cindy: C.
CINDY
What?
MR. BRADLEY
Nancy: C.
NANCY
C?
MR. BRADLEY
C. Natalie: C-minus.
NATALIE
Oh no, I’m below C-level!
MR. BRADLEY
And Tootie….
TOOTIE
Oh please. Let it be our secret. (She gets up to get her paper and looks at it) Well, no one will ever look for it here! (She stuffs it in her shirt)
SUE ANN
How did Blair get an A-plus?
MRS. GARRETT
A-plus? Blair, that’s wonderful. But why did the other girls get such low grades?
GIRLS
Yeah?
MR. BRADLEY
Well, I marked it on a curve. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more than an A-plus, Blair.
NATALIE
What else could he give her, a weekend in Bermuda?
MRS. GARRETT
I think it’s unfair to lower the other girls’ grades just because one girl wrote a poem that caught your fancy.
GIRLS
Yeah!
MR. BRADLEY
Life isn’t always fair. Blair’s extraordinarily gifted. Here let me read you a few lines. (Reading) “Beauty crowds me ‘til I die/ Beauty have mercy on me…” The eloquence, the simplicity, it’s you, Blair. It’s really you.
MRS. GARRETT
(Looking over the poem) What an extraordinary poem. What a nice surprise!
TOOTIE
Oh, I’m not surprised!
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley, don’t you think that each poem should be graded according to its own merit? I don’t see how you can grade poems on a curve!
MR. BRADLEY
Touch darts, Mrs. Garrett. When they make you headmaster, you can grade any old way you want. But until then (Singing) I’ll do it my way. (Laughs)
MRS. GARRETT
Well if you excuse me, Mr. Bradley. I’d promise the girls I’d bake them one of my famous blueberry cheesecakes. (Going into the kitchen)
MR. BRADLEY
Oh good, that’s my favorite.
MRS. GARRETT
Too bad there won’t be any left over for you. I’m baking it on the curve. (She leaves)
NANCY
For those lousy grades, we need something to cheer us up. Turn on the TV.
MR. BRADLEY
Sorry, girls (Pulls the plug) I’m pulling the plug.
GIRLS
WHAT???
MR. BRADLEY
So we can start doing some learning around here.
CINDY
But we won’t be able to watch TV.
MR. BRADLEY
See, you’re learning already. And to help you learn even more, you’ll all do a poem a second time except, of course, for Blair.
BLAIR
Mr. Bradley, my poem wasn’t that great!
MR. BRADLEY
I’ve never seen you this modest before. I’m not sure if I can handle it.
TOOTIE
Me neither. I think I’m going to be sick!
MR. BRADLEY
Bye, girls. Upstairs! Start writing! (He goes to the door) Poetry is like love. It’s better the second time around.
TOOTIE
But I haven’t even had my first time around! (He leaves)
SUE ANN
I broke my back to write that first poem and now I’ll have to write another one. Thanks, Blair! (The girls go upstairs)
TOOTIE
What are you going to no now, Miss Emily Dickinson?
BLAIR
What can I do? If I turn myself in, Bradley will probably kick me out of the play. Maybe even out of school!
TOOTIE
Gee, I’d hate to see you get kicked out of school. You have been a gem of a maid. (She turns to go up the stairs) And by the way! (She holds up her skirt) These pleats aren’t as sharp as I like them.
BLAIR
Tootie!
(Mr. Bradley comes back in)
MR. BRADLEY
Oh, I forgot the most important thing. I couldn’t keep your talent a secret. I’ve entered your poem in the New York Poetry Festival.
BLAIR
You, you didn’t?!?
MR. BRADLEY
Yes I did! (He leaves again)
TOOTIE
Oh, Blair! Are you going to be famous!
(COMMERCIAL)
FADE IN: The Eastland living room. The girls and Mrs. Garrett are sitting on the couch. Tootie comes in the door with some pizza boxes.
TOOTIE
Hot stuff coming! Hot stuff coming! And the pizzas are warm, too!
MRS. GARRETT
All right!
TOOTIE
This is our lucky day! The pizzas should have been $12.00, but the waitress goofed. So we got all this change! (She takes out money)
MRS. GARRETT
Oh no, Tootie. You have to take that money back.
MOLLY
We can’t exploit the waitress of the working class. It’s a tainted pizza!
NATALIE
No its not. It’s mushrooms and anchovies.
MRS. GARRETT
I waited tables when I was younger. And every time I made a mistake, it came out of my pocket. Tootie, you want that waitress to be out that money?
TOOTIE
You’re right, Miss Garrett. Just because she’s dumb doesn’t mean she has to be broke, too. (She goes to the door and goes out)
MRS. GARRETT
You’re all heart. (As Tootie goes out, she opens the pizza boxes and slices the pizza)
MOLLY
All right, I pronounce this pizza untainted.
MRS. GARRETT
(Trying a piece) And cold! (She throws her slice back in the box)
NATALIE
(Taking the pizza) I’ll warm it up!
MOLLY
I’m going with you!
NANCY
Yeah, we don’t trust you!
(They all go into the kitchen. Mrs. Garrett sees Blair sitting so glum in the chair)
MRS. GARRETT
Hey, Blair, what’s this? You’re suddenly allergic to pizza?
BLAIR
No, I’m just not very hungry. I didn’t sleep well last night.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh? Sounds like an acute case of Jason.
BLAIR
No. It’s about the poem Mr. Bradley entered in the contest. It isn’t mine! I copied it from Emily Dickinson.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, Blair! (She has to sit down) Sheesh! Why?
BLAIR
Well, I kept putting it off and then I, I panicked! I guess it’s like, like cheating, huh?
MRS. GARRETT
No, it’s worse. It’s like stealing. Blair, when you copied that poem, did you happen to read it?
BLAIR
It’s about feeling beautiful.
MRS. GARRETT
Mmmm, and how are you feeling right now? (Indicating stomach) In here?
BLAIR
Rotten. And you’re saying, uh, I should tell Mr. Bradley the truth?
MRS. GARRETT
You said it.
BLAIR
Thank you. (She goes to the door)
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, uh, you owe yourself one more thing.
BLAIR
What’s that?
MRS. GARRETT
A poem.
BLAIR
Right.
(As she reaches the door, there is a knock. It opens, and Jason comes in.)
JASON
Hi, Blair!
BLAIR
Jason! What a surprise!
JASON
I’m leaving tomorrow for my college interview. So I came over for one more rehearsal.
(Mr. Bradley comes in)
MR. BRADLEY
Mrs. Garrett, Blair.
BLAIR
Oh, Mr. Bradley. Can we have a talk?
MR. BRADLEY
Sure.
(Blair goes to him)
BLAIR
I have a problem.
MR. BRADLEY
No, you don’t. I know it’s a school night, but go ahead and rehearse. Just stay on school grounds.
BLAIR
But, Mr. Bradley, I…
MR. BRADLEY
(Taking her to the door) Don’t be such a goody-goody. Get going.
BLAIR
Mr. Bradley…
JASON
Thank you! (They go out the door)
MR. BRADLEY
Quite a girl we have there. I wish we had a hundred of her.
MRS. GARRETT
One is plenty.
CUT TO: Outside the house on a bench. Jason and Blair are kissing- actually Jason is kissing and Blair is just staring in space)
JASON
How can you kiss with your eyes open? Fish do that!
BLAIR
I’m sorry, Jason, I’m just not into this.
JASON
It’s okay. I am (Jason starts kissing her again)
BLAIR
No, no, no. I feel guilty.
JASON
We haven’t done anything!
BLAIR
I have!
JASON
Oh. (Turns away from her)
BLAIR
No, no, it’s not that! I cheated on my poetry assignment.
JASON
Oh, is that all? Everyone does that! How do you think I’m getting into Yale? Come here. (He grabs her to kiss her again)
BLAIR
I’m sorry, Jason, I’m sorry! I’ve got to write a poem. (She gets up and heads for the door)
JASON
I don’t believe this!
BLAIR
Have a good time at Yale. (She goes inside)
JASON
(Wondering what the hell happened) Yeah, Boola Boola.
CUT TO: Living room. The girls are all writing their poems. Mrs. Garrett keeps them company.
TOOTIE
I’m glad Mr. Bradley gave us a chance to do a second poem. This one will knock his socks off!
(Blair comes in the door)
MRS. GARRETT
Blair, I thought you were rehearsing with Jason.
BLAIR
I was, but there’s something I want to tell the girls. (The girls look up) You know that fantastic terrific poem I wrote? I didn’t write it.
SUE ANN
Who did?
BLAIR
Emily Dickinson.
SUE ANN
Are you kidding us? You cheated?
BLAIR
Ask Tootie. She was there.
NATALIE
Tootie, you kept a secret? There is a God.
BLAIR
I’m sorry, you guys. I feel worse than you do.
SUE ANN
Give us a break. Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?
CINDY
You can’t go through life cheating!
MOLLY
If you cheat your way through school, you’re in real trouble.
NATALIE
Unless you go into politics.
MOLLY
Yeah, Blair, why don’t you run for president?
BLAIR
I said I was sorry!
SUE ANN
Yeah, Blair, Take care of #1. What’s the difference if the rest of us have lousy grades?
MRS. GARRETT
(Sharply) All right, that’s enough!
BLAIR
No, it’s okay. I’ve got it coming. But I want you to know; I did do one thing, Mrs. Garrett. I finally wrote a poem. (She takes it out of her pocket)
(Mr. Bradley comes in)
MR. BRADLEY
Well, I see you’re all here. I have some terrific news.
MRS. GARRETT
I don’t think we can handle any more terrific news.
BLAIR
Mr. Bradley, I have something very important to tell you.
MR. BRADLEY
This is more important! Your poem won third prize.
BLAIR
Oh no! Mr. Bradley, honest, I don’t deserve it!
MR. BRADLEY
Blair, your modesty is getting to be a bore.
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley…
MR. BRADLEY
First, we’ll have a Blair Warner day.
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley…
MR. BRADLEY
A picture with a trophy
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley…
MR. BRA
DLEY
Oh, I will be so proud…
MRS. GARRETT
MR. BRADLEY!!!!!!!!! Blair has something to tell you.
BLAIR
Mr. Bradley, I cheated! I copied that poem from Emily Dickinson.
MR. BRADLEY
Emily Dickinson? Blair, what the HELL are you talking about?!?! (Mrs. Garrett gasps) I didn’t mean it. Yes I did!
TOOTIE
I was shocked, too, Mr. Bradley!
Mr. BRADLEY
How could you do this to Eastland? To Me? You let me go around praising a poem you never even wrote. I feel like a complete idiot!
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley
MR. BRADLEY
What?
MRS. GARRETT
You’re right. This is a serious offense and yes, she did make a terrible mistake, but at least she had the courage enough to admit it.
MR. BRADLEY
That still does not excuse her.
MRS. GARRETT
Yes, I know that and she knows that. But she has written a poem of her own and…
MR. BRADLEY
Oh, big deal!!!
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, for goodness sakes. Would you listen to her?
BLAIR
Please?
MR. BRADLEY
All right, I’ll listen.
BLAIR
Mrs. Garrett, could you read it for me? I get too emotional.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, sure honey. (She reads the paper) “Reflections by Blair Warner. I never thought it possible/ but when I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see/ what I behold is a tarnished image/ of a betrayer of friends and a cheater of self.” That’s eloquent, Blair. “Where is that Blair of yesteryear/ that reflection that we held so dear? / Those perfect eyes, those pearly teeth/ that adorable perky nose, the alabaster dimple cheeks….” Oh, Blair, I think you’re being too harsh on yourself.
BLAIR
No, no, I deserve it. Go ahead. Read the part about the soft cascading hair.
MR. BRADLEY
We get your point, Blair. Now understand that your punishment is going to be very severe.
BLAIR
That’s okay. I can take it. I’ve gotten all the guilt out of my system.
MRS. GARRETT
How do you feel?
BLAIR
Beautiful. (She looks into the mirror) Hi! I’m Back!
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley, well?
MR. BRADLEY
It’s obvious that your extracurricular activities are getting in the way of your schoolwork, so you’ll have to withdraw from the play. And you are grounded for a month. And, of course, you’ve just flunked English Lit.
BLAIR
Flunked???
SUE ANN
Boy, Blair, that’s really rough.
MRS. GARRETT
Blair. (Hands her a handkerchief) This is for your perky little nose. Blow. (Turns to the girls) That means all of you! (All the girls run upstairs, except for Tootie)
TOOTIE
Blair, I’m sorry for all that I put you through. But can I still have you for half a day on Thursday?
(Blair smiles at Tootie and they give each other fives as the episode ends.)
