Episode: 4, IQ, September 14, 1979
The script of episode 4, IQ.





FADE IN: The Eastland dormitory living room. Mrs. Garrett and Blair are in the living room. Mr. Bradley walks in.

MR. BRADLEY

Morning, everybody. (Looks around the room) Where is everybody?

MRS. GARRETT

Upstairs studying, Mr. Bradley.

MR. BRADLEY

What are you reading?

MRS. GARRETT

ďHow to fly an airplaneĒ

MR. BRADLEY

Why do you want to learn to fly?

MRS. GARRETT

Because Iím scared of flying. Iím ashamed of myself. As a kid, I was absolutely fearless. When I was nine, I won a bet by jumping off of the top of a barn into a pile of hay.

BLAIR

You must have been a fun date.

MRS. GARRETT

I was.

MR. BRADLEY

Blair. (Motions her to leave) Studying.

BLAIR

Bye. (Goes upstairs)

MR. BRADLEY

Bye.

MRS. GARRETT

So I took my trip to Hong Kong money and signed up for flying lessons. And Mr. Bradley, I am having one heck of a time.

MR. BRADLEY

Iíll bet you are.

MRS. GARRETT

Iíve already logged 20 hours and tomorrow I go solo (Gives a little salute)

MR. BRADLEY

Good luck

(Miss Mahoney comes in with mail)

MISS MAHONEY

Morning.

MRS. GARRETT

Morning, Miss Mahoney.

MISS MAHONEY

(Giving him papers) Mr. Bradley, hereís a copy of my history exam for tomorrow. And I think this is yours. (Gives him a manila envelope) They must have delivered it to me by mistake.

MR. BRADLEY

Thank you (Opens the envelope) These are the girlsí I.Q. scores from their previous schools. Oh, I am so proud. Our girls had the highest I.Q. of any prep school in the state!

MRS. GARRETT

Mr. Bradley, how can you put so much importance on an intelligence test that was taken way back in grade school?

MR. BRADLEY

Mrs. Garrett, if you were in the education biz, youíd understand. You see, by 5th grade each child has reached his or her permanent I.Q. level. Iím not going too fast for you, am I?

MISS MAHONEY

Itís not that cold-hearted, Miss Garrett. Itís only a guideline. And the child never sees the I.Q. scores. (All of a sudden, Tootie rolls in on her roller skates)

TOOTIE

Mr. BRADLEY!!!!!! (She collides with him, spilling all of his papers on the floor and falls down)

MR. BRADLEY

Tootie, are you all right? (He helps her up)

TOOTIE:

Yeah, I landed on my soft part. Mrs. Traceyís giving a geometry test and she sent me to find one of you.

MISS MAHONEY

Whatís the problem?

TOOTIE

She has to go to the bathroom!

MRS. GARRETT

I didnít know we were on the buddy system.

MISS MAHONEY

Oh, Mr. Bradley, I would love to be able to help but I got to get back to my biology lab. Iíve got 8 rabbits in trouble. (Makes a pregnant impression and leaves)

MRS. GARRETT

Iíll be glad to go with you, Mr. Bradley.

BRADLEY

No, Mrs. Garrett. Youíre a little soft hearted to play watchdog. Iíll do it, but will you please cover the phones in my office?

MRS. GARRETT

Glad to (Starts singing ďOff we go into the wild blue yonderĒ as she and Mr. Bradley leave) (Tootie picks up a piece of paper and starts reading it)

TOOTIE

Stanford Benet I.Q. scores. For EVERYONE in school! (Reading) Sure didnít know she was the smartest. Oh, she was the dumbest!

CUT TO: Dormitory room. The girls are studying.

NANCY

Sue Ann, can you fill me in on the Louisiana Purchase?

SUE ANN

Sure, the Louisiana Purchase was purchased on April 30, 1803 and it cost us over 16 million dollars.

CINDY

Wow, thatís a lot of money!

BLAIR

They probably just charged it.

(Tootie comes in the room)

TOOTIE

Hey, I have a secret that one of us is supposed to know!

CINDY

What is it, Tootie?

TOOTIE

I know who the smartest girl in school is!

NANCY

Wait a minute! Thatís no secret! Everyone knows it Sue Ann.

SUE ANN

Oh, not necessarily, Nancy.

TOOTIE

Sue Annís right. Itís not her.

SUE ANN

(a little bit nervous) See, didnít I tell you? Who is the smartest?

BLAIR

Well It couldnít be me. Iíve got too many other things going for me.

TOOTIE

Youíre right, Blair. Itís not you, either!

BLAIR

Oh.

TOOTIE

Itís Nancy!

NANCY

No, Iím not the smartest!

TOOTIE

Donít be so stupid! I just told you so.

MOLLY

How do you know all this?

TOOTIE

I found a confidential list with al our I.Q.ís on it! (Takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it) I wrote them all down (Everyone crowds around her) Not so fast! Sheesh! Iíll show you your scores one at a time.

MOLLY

Thatís not fair! How should you know all our scores and not us?

TOOTIE

ĎCuz I can keep a secret. Cindy. (Shows her score)

CINDY

All right!

TOOTIE

Molly (Show her score. Molly is surprised) Nancy (Shows her score. Nancy bugs her eyes out) Natalie, you and me have the same I.Q. score.

NATALIE

All right! I knew we were soul sisters! (They slap some skin)

CINDY

(Grabs the paper) Hey Blair, want to see your I.Q. score?

BLAIR

Great! My I.Q.ís higher than my weight.

(Molly grabs the paper out of her hand)

MOLLY

I donít believe it! Sue Ann as the lowest I.Q. on the list!

SUE ANN

May I see that? (She takes the paper and read it, then looks at Nancy) Congratulations, Nancy, for being so smart.

NANCY

Sue Ann, itís not that big a deal!

SUE ANN

(About to cry) Thatís easy for you to say!

MOLLY

Sue Ann, donít be so upset because youíre the dumbest girl in school. I have a friend whose brother has a lower I.Q. than yours. He got all the way through junior college and is now the most successful dogcatcher in Porramth, New Jersey.

SUE ANN

(Sarcastically) Thanks. Maybe I can work my way up to being manager of a lemonade stand.

NANCY

Sue Ann, youíre being ridiculous. Youíve always got good grades and this isnít going to change anything.

NATALIE

Yeah, and if you need help to study, Tootie and I will be glad to tutor you.

TOOTIE

Itíll cost you. (Mrs. Garrett comes in)

MRS. GARRETT

Hi girls! Sue Ann, youíre so good at math. Can you help me with this flying problem?

SUE ANN

Boy, have you come to the wrong person for help!

MRS. GARRETT

Sue AnnÖ.

SUE ANN

Thatís real funny, isnít it girls? (Runs out of the room)

MRS. GARRETT

Sue Ann? Girls, Whatís going on here? (Tootie quickly puts the paper behind her back) What is this?

TOOTIE

Uh, looks like a piece of paper, Mrs. Garrett (Tootie tries to get away)

MRS. GARRETT

Tootie. These couldnít possibly be the list of I.Q. scores, could it?

TOOTIE

Well, Mrs. Garrett, not possibly. Definitely.

MRS. GARRETT

Tootie, is there something you think you should do about this?

TOOTIE

Yeah, Make a break for it! (Tootie tries to get away again, but Mrs. Garrett pulls her back and gives her a ďWrong answerĒ look) Okay, letís go to Mr. Bradleyís office.

MRS. GARRETT

All right. Iíll roll you down that last mile. (She rolls her out of the room)

CUT TO: Mrs. Garrettís bedroom. Sue Ann comes in and they sit on the bed.

SUE ANN

Iím sorry about the way I acted before, Mrs. Garrett. I was really rude.

MRS. GARRETT

No, you werenít

SUE ANN

I hear Tootieís gonna be punished for peeking at the I.Q. scores.

MRS. GARRETT

She sure is. Sheís going to have to write, ďI shall not be nosyĒ 500 times on the blackboard. Thatíll keep her busyÖfor a few minutes (She laughs a little, then subsides) Whatís the matter, Sue Ann? Oh, Youíre still not worried about that silly I.Q. stuff, are you?

SUE ANN

Itís not silly, Mrs. Garrett. I was the dumbest on the list and everyone knows it.

MRS. GARRETT

Oh, Sue Ann. You always do beautifully on your exams. This I.Q. thing, thereís nothing to it. Doesnít mean a thing.

SUE ANN

It doesnít if youíre at the top of the list like Nancy. And I donít hear her complaining.

CUT TO: The girlsí dormitory. Blair sneaks over to take a peek at Nancyís writing.

BLAIR

Come on, Nancy. Donít be so selfish. Share your brain.

NANCY

Blair, youíre the fifth one thatís come to me and I canít help you. Iíll be lucky if I pass this test myself. Check with Sue Ann. She knows everything.

BLAIR

If I want help, I go to the best. Thatís you.

NANCY

I donít care what my I.Q. is. I donít want to be the smartest girl in school!

BLAIR

You should be proud to be #1.

NANCY

I liked it better when Sue Ann was #1 and everyone went to her for the answers. Now everyoneís coming to me and I canít take the pressure. Blair, will you please leave so I can study?

BLAIR

Well! You donít see me getting upset when people tell me how gorgeous I am! (She flounces out)

CUT TO: The living room. Nancy is sitting on the couch flipping pages madly. Sue Ann comes in and goes to the bulletin board.

SUE ANN

Oh, didnít Miss Mahoney post the exam scores yet?

NANCY

What are you asking me for? You got eyes!

SUE ANN

Canít you answer a simple question? I mean you are the smartest girl in school!

NANCY

Get off my case, will you?

SUE ANN

What are you so uptight about? A girl with your I.Q. shouldnít have any trouble with that simple test.

NANCY

Are you kidding? I panicked! I had to guess at half the answers. I hope I guessed right.

SUE ANN

Hey, come off it, will you Nancy! We all know youíre a brain! I hate people who pretend that a test is hard for them just so the other people wonít feel so dumb!

NANCY

Well, if you donít like it, tough, okay Sue Ann! And Iím sick and tired of hearing how high my I.Q. is, so just CUT IT OUT!

SUE ANN

Iíll give anything to have your problem. Youíre on top. How would you know if youíre going to spend the rest of your life in the basement? Iíll trade with you in a minute! NANCY

Show me how and you got a deal. Sue Ann, I liked it the way it used to be.

SUE ANN

So do I.

NANCY

I canít handle being up there by myself.

SUE ANN

Itís pretty miserable down here, too. I wish they had never invented I.Q.ís. (Blair walks in) BLAIR

What are you two looking so intense for? Hey! Exams come and go. Worry lines stay with you forever. (She passes by a mirror) I wasnít talking about you. (She gives a little pose and goes upstairs)

(Miss Garrett comes in from the side and heads for the door)

MRS. GARRETT

Well, wish me luck. Iím off to the airfield for my first solo. Looks like a beautiful day for it, too. (When she gets to the door, she looks back and turns around towards the two girls) Whatís the matter with you two?

SUE ANN

We took our midterms this morning.

MRS. GARRETT

Well, you always do great on your exams. Iím sure you did well.

(Miss Mahoney comes in with all of the girls following her to the bulletin board)

MISS MAHONEY

Well, Midterms are over! (She posts a paper on the board) You can all relax. Youíve got nothing to do for the next three months, but study for finals.

MRS. GARRETT

Miss Mahoney, will you please do me a favor? Tell these girls they did okay on their exams so they can relax.

MISS MAHONEY

I wish I could. I even double-checked your scores.

NANCY

We didnít do so hot, huh?

MISS MAHONEY

You failed. Nancy, you obviously guessed at half the answers.

NANCY

I tightened up. I couldnít think.

MISS MAHONEY

And Sue Ann. I didnít even know where your mind was. You gave answers where there werenít even questions. I donít know what to say. (She leaves)

MRS. GARRETT

With all this I.Q fuss, no wonder you had such a rough time taking that test. Donít worry, next timeÖ.

SUE ANN

There wonít be a next time, Miss Garrett, because Iím going to leave Eastland!

MRS. GARRETT

What??

SUE ANN

Who am I kidding? Itís just going to keep getting harder and Iím not up to it!

MRS. GARRETT

Nancy. Could you please help me talk some sense into her?

NANCY

I donít think Iíll be very convincing, Miss Garrett. Iím going to leave Eastland, too.

(COMMERCIAL) CUT TO: Classroom. Tootie is writing her sentence using ditto marks and singing ďToot Toot Tootie, GoodbyeĒ. Mr. Bradley walks in.

MR. BRADLEY

Tootie. Dittos are not satisfactory.

TOOTIE

Dittos donít slice it, huh?

MR. BRADLEY

Start over!

TOOTIE

(Erasing board) Can I help it if Iím years ahead of my time?

(Miss Garrett, Nancy and Sue Ann come in)

MRS. GARRETT

Mr. Bradley. Iíve been looking all over for you.

MR. BRADLEY

Well, you found me. What do you want?

MRS. GARRETT

These girls are so upset with your I.Q. foolishness that they are packing to leave school!

MR. BRADLEY

Nancy? Sue Ann? Whatís the matter?

SUE ANN

Iím not smart enough to be at Eastland.

NANCY

I canít handle the pressure.

MRS. GARRETT

They both flunked the mid terms thanks to you.

MR. BRADLEY

Mrs. Garrett, Iím sorry that the girls did poorly on the test, but I donít think we should go overboard and blame their I.Q.s. It would be dishonest to say that I.Q.ís meant nothing, and I donít see any great harm in the girls knowing their scores.

TOOTIE

Does this mean I can go? (Rolling out)

MR. BRADLEY

Make it a round trip, Tootie (She goes back to the board) But we all canít have the same I.Q.ís and if a girl has a lower score, then she know sheís gotta push as much harder to get the same results. Itís that simple. Iím not going too fast for you, am I Sue Ann?

SUE ANN

See, youíre just like the rest of them, Mr. Bradley. Iím ashamed of my I.Q. and I hate that everyone knows what it is. Thatís why Iím leaving.

NANCY

Me, too. All of a sudden, everyone expects too much from me.

(Miss Mahoney walks in)

MISS MAHONEY

Hello, whatís going on here?

MRS. GARRETT

Oh, we were just having a little discussion about I.Q.ís.

MR. BRADLEY

The girls were upset and it all started when everyone knew about everybody elseís I.Q.ís. Iím comforting them.

MISS MAHONEY

(Sarcastically) Youíre making great progress.

MRS. GARRETT

Mr. Bradley, you know what would be really comforting to the girls? If you would share your I.Q. score with them.

MR. BRADLEY

Sure. Iíll write away to my grade school tomorrow morning.

MRS. GARRETT

What? I.Q.ís are so important and you donít know yours?

MR. BRADLEY

Well, not offhand.

MRS. GARRETT

Really? Well then, weíre even.

MR. BRADLEY

Oh, I doubt that one score is bound to be higher than the other.

MRS. GARRETT

Or lower!

MR. BRADLEY

Anything is possible

MRS. GARRETT

Mr. Bradley, would you be bothered if my I.Q. was higher than yours?

MR. BRADLEY

(Laughs nervously) Of course not!

MRS. GARRETT

Good. Letís take our I.Q. test together. Right now!

MR. BRADLEY

Well, Iíd love to, but itís impossible. The school doesnít have any I.Q. tests.

MISS MAHONEY

Yes they do, Mr. Bradley. They sent us sample I.Q. tests with those scores you sent away for.

MR. BRADLEY

(Not hearing this) Thank you, Miss Mahoney.

MRS. GARRETT

(Happily takes a seat) Well, Letís get started!

MISS MAHONEY

(Handing Mrs. Garrett a test) This is usually a written exam. Itíll be harder taking it orally.

MRS. GARRETT

Itís all right with me, Mr. Bradley.

MR. BRADLEY

Childís play. (He takes his test and gets ready to sit next to Mrs. Garrett)

MISS MAHONEY

Very well, Iíll administer the exam (Before Mr. Bradley sits down) Uh, Mr. Bradley, sit there please (Indicating the rear desks) An open seat prevents temptation. (He sits at one of the desks uncomfortably) Iím going to read a set of five words. I want you to write down the two that are most similar. Ready?

MRS. GARRETT

Ready

MR. BRADLEY

Ready

MISS MAHONEY

ďPen, Chicken, Gold, Rifle, PaperĒ

MR. BRADLEY

Uh huh (He writes)

MRS. GARRETT

Uh huh (She writes)

MISS MAHONEY

Next set. Reme

mber, the two that are most similar. ďTearing, Melting, Running, Burning, CanoeingĒ. MRS. GARRETT

Of course! (Mr. Bradley fumbles a bit)

MISS MAHONEY

Pick a pair. ďSinging, Coughing, Marching, Eating, SleepingĒ

MRS. GARRETT

(Giggling to herself) They get easier.

MR. BRADLEY

Do you mind? (He thinks a bit, then raises his hand)

MISS MAHONEY

Yes, Mr. Bradley?

MR. BRADLEY

Was that singing, coughing, melting, canoeing?

MISS MAHONEY

No, Mr. Bradley. Melting and canoeing were on the previous set. (Mr. Bradley fumbles again, and then tries to sneak a peek at Mrs. Garrettís paper) Do we have wandering eyes, Mr. Bradley? (Mr. Bradley sheepishly goes back to his seat) We are now moving to the vocabulary section. Write down the meaning of the following words: psuedorrific.

MRS. GARRETT

I never knew that word would come in handy.

MR. BRADLEY

(Pissed off) Mrs. Garrett. I object to your little murmuring. I am trying to take a test here!

MISS MAHONEY

Uh, could we continue? Write down the meaning of this world: octillion.

MR. BRADLEY

Octillion. Now there is a word!

MRS. GARRETT

Donít put down a kind of dance because thatís a cotillion.

MR. BRADLEY

(Frustrated by this time) Thatís it! This is over! This is totally ridiculous! This test does not mean a thing! (He throws his paper down)

MRS. GARRETT

I.Q. test donít mean a thing, huh? Interesting theory.

MR. BRADLEY

Well, I was under pressure. This is not a normal testing situation. Okay, I choked. You may be right. It is possible for people to do poorly on an I.Q. test, even those of us who are exceptionally gifted.

MRS. GARRETT

You see, girls. I hope you were really listening. You canít live life by the numbers. And thatís all an I.Q. really is. (She crumples her paper up)

MISS MAHONEY

In all the years theyíve given I.Q. tests, no one has really been able to prove that a high or low I.Q. score had anything to do with what a person can accomplish.

MRS. GARRETT

There you go! All right, girls. What really counts is how you use your abilities and how hard you try. Isnít that right, Mr. Bradley, or are we going too fast for you?

MR. BRADLEY

Mrs. Garrett. If it would make anyone feel any better, you can post that test on your bulletin board. Iíd like to have another chance at that test under normal conditions.

MRS. GARRETT

Great idea. And I assume the girls can take their mid term exams over again under normal conditions.

SUE ANN

Oh can we please?

NANCY

Oh, really?

MR. BRADLEY

Wonderful. Iím glad we thought of it. Miss Mahoney, youíll do the honors.

MISS MAHONEY

Girls, it will be my pleasure. See me at 3:00. (She leaves)

MR. BRADLEY

Gotta fly. (Leaves the room as well)

MRS. GARRETT

Gotta fly. (Something pops into her mind) Fly? Iím late for my flying test! I gotta take off. All by myself.

SUE ANN

Thatís right. Nancy, if Mrs. Garrett has the courage to fly a plane all by herself, we should at least be able to retake that history test with no problems.

NANCY

Weíll ace it!

MRS. GARRETT

Oh girls, Youíve inspired me. Watch out, Red Baron! Here I come! (she throws her scarf around her neck and leaves the room) Bye.

NANCY

Iíll bet this time Iíll get a 95 on the test.

SUE ANN

And Iíll bet Iíll get a 96.

NANCY

Iím glad things are back to normal. Hey, will you help me study?

SUE ANN

Sure, come on!

They leave the room as the episode ends.