CUT TO: Eastland Living room. Blair is painting a picture, Cindy is sitting in a chair with her baseball glove. Mrs. Garrett, Natalie and Tootie come out of her bedroom. Natalie and Tootie have curlers in their hair and Tootie has wrinkle cream on her face.
MRS. GARRETT
I’ll bet if we put our heads together, we can get Channel 13. (They laugh and they sit at the table. Mrs. Garrett examines Blair’s painting) Oh, say, all right, Blair! You really caught the action.
BLAIR
Thanks, Mrs. Garrett. I want to hang it for Career Day. I call it “The End”.
TOOTIE
And he’s sure got a cute one.
(Molly comes in with her guitar)
MOLLY
Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!
MRS. GARRETT
Yes, Molly?
MOLLY
Here’s Mr. Bradley’s list of the speakers with the subjects we’ll be talking about. Can you tune my guitar again?
MRS. GARRETT
(Taking the list and the guitar) Oh, sure honey. Let’s see here. (She goes to the couch and plays a tune and sings really loudly to the notes) Here you are, dear.
MOLLY
Thanks. You can do everything!
MRS. GARRETT
Naturally. (She looks at the list) This is quite an impressive line of speakers. A doctor, an architect, Natalie, I see your sister’s coming to talk about her exciting career as a stewardess.
NATALIE
It sure is exciting. She’s got two first class boyfriends, and one in coach.
MRS. GARRETT
And Tootie, your father’s coming to talk about a career for women in law. Your mother’s a lawyer too, isn’t she?
TOOTIE
Yeah, she has to stay in Washington to defend some crooks. (Putting cream on her face)
NATALIE
(Taking out some rollers) In or out of the government?
TOOTIE
Natalie, will you hurry up? I gotta look good for Daddy.
MRS. GARRETT
What’s the rush? Career day isn’t until tomorrow.
TOOTIE
Daddy’s coming up early because he’s never seen Eastland. He’s also never seen me since I became a…sex symbol.
(Mr. Bradley comes in)
MR. BRADLEY
Hello there.
MRS. GARRETT
Morning, Mr. Bradley
MR. BRADLEY
(Ushering in Mr. Ramsey) Come in, Mr. Ramsey.
TOOTIE
Daddy!!!
MR. RAMSEY
Tootie!!! (They hug each other. He gets some cream on his face from Tootie’s kiss) Oooh! (Wipes off cream) Can we try that again, without the goop?
TOOTIE
But you’ll see my wrinkles!
MR. RAMSEY
(Wiping stuff off her face) Oh, you’re aging beautifully. For a woman your age. (He kisses her cheek)
TOOTIE
Daddy, meet my friends, Cindy.
CINDY
Hi!
TOOTIE
Molly
MOLLY
Hello
TOOTIE
Natalie (Natalie waves) This is Mr. Garrett, our house mother.
MR. RAMSEY
My pleasure. (Extends his hand)
MRS. GARRETT
(Shaking it) Oh, how do you do, Mr. Ramsey?
MR. RAMSEY
Fine.
TOOTIE
Mrs. Garrett was teaching me all the inside tips for when I go to beauty school.
MR. RAMSEY
Beauty school?
MR. BRADLEY
We’re really anxious to hear your career day talk. It must be exciting being a legal advisor to two presidents.
MR. RAMSEY
Yeah, you get to meet new people every four years.
MRS. GARRETT
If they last that long.
MR. BRADLEY
Girls, this is Rifle Ramsey, all-American quarterback at Syracuse and Phi Beta Kappa. (Mrs. Garrett applauds) Maybe later we can talk a little football. I was a pretty fair receiver myself at Allegheny Teachers. They used to call me Crazy Legs.
MR. RAMSEY
Yes, I can believe that, but Crazy Legs, what I’d really like to talk about is how my lovely daughter is doing in school, and just maybe, I can find out why passed that opportunity to take speed reading.
TOOTIE
It went by too fast. Anyhow, Mrs. Garrett who teaching me something really important. (Holds up her hand) How to julliette my nails.
MRS. GARRETT
That keeps the nails from breaking. Every good manicurist knows that.
MR. RAMSEY
That’s quite an accomplishment, I suppose.
MR. BRADLEY
All right, girls! Let’s get to work on those career day essays. (The girls go upstairs)
TOOTIE
Daddy, you’re gonna be really prouder of me than you think. What I’m learning from Mrs. Garrett will get me into any beauty school I want.
MR. RAMSEY
Hmmm, I see Mrs. Garrett hasn’t been neglecting you. Young lady, I’d like to talk to you about your goals.
TOOTIE
In a minute, Daddy. Right now, my goal is to look like Diana Ross. Gotta skate!
(She goes upstairs)
MR. BRADLEY
She really is something, isn’t she?
MR. RAMSEY
Yes, but I’d like her to become something. May we discuss her academic program?
MRS. GARRETT
It’s been a real pleasure meeting you, Mr. Ramsey. I’d better go help her. She’s my girl. I’ll skate. (She goes upstairs)
MR. RAMSEY
Does Mrs. Garrett have much influence on Tootie?
MR. BRADLEY
Mrs. Garrett says jump, Tootie says “How high”. She doesn’t say it very often. (Mr. Bradley and Mr. Ramsey sit down on the couch)
MR. RAMSEY
Mr. Bradley, we sent Tootie to Eastland to prepare for college, not a beauty school.
MR. BRADLEY
We know that.
MR. RAMSEY
But she’s not going to get there by having your housekeeper as a role model.
MR. BRADLEY
Mrs. Garrett isn’t a housekeeper. She’s a house mother.
MR. RAMSEY
What’s the difference? She’s a domestic. I know all about domestics. My mother worked as a chambermaid in a hotel to help me through college.
MR. BRADLEY
Well, fortunately, today, Tootie’s opportunities are unlimited.
MR. RAMSEY
Well then, let’s keep them that way.
MR. BRADLEY
I hear what you’re saying.
MR. RAMSEY
No, you don’t. What I’m saying is that Mrs. Garrett’s taken Tootie’s mind off worthwhile goals. All she cares about is superficial ones. I want it stopped. So I would appreciate it if you tell Mrs. Garrett to stay away from my daughter.
CUT TO: Mrs. Garrett’s room. All the girls are sitting on the bed. Mrs. Garrett comes in with refreshments.
MRS. GARRETT
Okay, one cupcake to a customer. You can help yourself to cocoa though. Have you all finished your essays?
GIRLS
Yeah!
NANCY
I’m going to be a psychiatrist in Hollywood. Dr. Nancy Olsen- Shrink to the Stars.
SUE ANN
That’s a great way to get a man on the couch.
BLAIR
Well, I have my future all mapped out. After my one-woman exhibit in the Museum of Modern Art, and my Oscar winning performance as an actress, I think I’ll just settle down and marry the president of General Motors.
MOLLY
That’ll never happen.
BLAIR
And why not?
MOLLY
Because I’m going to BE the president of General Motors.
(All the girls laugh)
SUE ANN
Well, I’m headed for a career as a marine biologist. I’ve always been interested in fish.
TOOTIE
And surfers, Sue Ann, with muscular tan bodies and golden blond hair.
SUE ANN
Tootie, you’ve been reading my diary again!
TOOTIE
I told you to keep it locked. I’m weak!
(Knock on the door)
MRS. GARRETT
Come in. (Mr. Bradley comes in)
MR. BRADLEY
Mrs. Garrett
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Bradley, come in.
MR. BRADLEY
Troupe’s all here, huh? Ready for Career Day, girls?
GIRLS
Yeah! Yeah!
MOLLY
I decided I’m going to be the Joan Baez of the 80’s. Listen (She strums her guitar) The skies are choky, the lakes are chunky, the oceans are gunky, I feel like a lab monkey, Stop grossing up America, you turkeys.
(The girls applaud)
MR. BRADLEY
Wonderful, Molly. Tootie, have you decided what you want to be when you graduate from Eastland and go to college?
TOOTIE
Well, I’m not going to college, Mr. Bradley. Right, Nat?
NATALIE
Right.
MR. BRADLEY
You’re not?
NATALIE
No, we’re both gonna study with Vidal Sassoon to learn advanced sassooning.
TOOTIE
It’s all in my essay. We’re gonna open a beauty salon and call it “Toot and Nat’s”.
NATALIE
Or we might call it “Nat andToot’s”
MR. BRADLEY
Listen, I got to discuss next week’s menu with Mrs. Garrett (He shoos them out. The girls get the message and leaves)
SUE ANN
And, Mr. Bradley, if you plan on putting some chemical in our food to make us lose interest in boys, it won’t work. (She leaves)
MRS. GARRETT
Next week’s menu, huh? All right, Mr. Bradley. Tell me, what’s on your mind?
MR. BRADLEY
Well, this isn’t easy, Edna. Mr. Ramsey is very upset at the way that Tootie’s interests are developing, and he blames someone she spends a lot of her time with. He doesn’t want her to associate with that person anymore.
MRS. GARRETT
Really? Not Natalie?
MR. BRADLEY
No.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, who is it?
MR. BRADLEY
Edna…you’re doing a wonderful job around here.
MRS. GARRETT
Molly?
MR. BRADLEY
No one has your delicate touch with cocoa.
MRS. GARRETT
Cindy?
MR. BRADLEY
None of that yucky stuff floating at the top.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, it couldn’t be Blair, Sue Ann, or Nancy?
MR. BRADLEY
Ordinarily, I never drink cocoa. (He sips)
MRS. GARRETT
There’s no one left.
MR. BRADLEY
Yes, there is.
MRS. GARRETT
Unless it’s me.
(Mr. Bradley nods his head and Mrs. Garrett is shocked)
CUT TO: Living room. The next day. Mrs. Garrett is setting up chairs for the speeches. Tootie comes downstairs)
TOOTIE
Good morning, Mrs. Garrett.
MRS. GARRETT
(Setting down a chair) Good morning, Tootie.
TOOTIE
Daddy’s picking me up for breakfast. Is he here yet?
MRS. GARRETT
Haven’t seen him.
TOOTIE
Good. That means there’ll be time for you to teach me how to pluck my eyebrows.
MRS. GARRETT
Not today, dear.
TOOTIE
But if I do it myself, I’m gonna look like Mr. Spock.
MRS. GARRETT
No, I’m sorry.
TOOTIE
I thought you always got a kick out of showing me how to do things.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, I do, dear. Believe me. But I just can’t. Sorry.
TOOTIE
Sheesh. (She sadly goes upstairs. At the same time, Blair and Sue Ann are coming down)
BLAIR & SUE ANN
Hi, Tootie! (Tootie just walks upstairs)
BLAIR
I wonder what’s bothering Tootie. Someone put glue in her wheels?
MRS. GARRETT
Guess so.
SUE ANN
Blair, aren’t you going to tell Mrs. Garrett about your new painting?
BLAIR
Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m going to paint a male model who will be totally naked.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, that’s nice dear.
BLAIR
No, no, no. You see, you were supposed to say “In the nude?” and then I’d say “Yeah, it’s a horse”.
SUE ANN
It cracks me up.
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, I’m sorry girls. It’s really very funny. A horse, I get it. (She gives a fake laugh, then subsides)
BLAIR
What’s wrong, Mrs. Garrett? It has something to do with Tootie, doesn’t it?
MRS. GARRETT
I can’t lie. Mr. Ramsey doesn’t want me to spend any more time with Tootie.
SUE ANN
I can’t believe that!
BLAIR
That’s ridiculous.
MRS. GARRETT
You’re right. It is ridiculous, isn’t it?
BOTH GIRLS
Yeah! Yeah!
MRS. GARRETT
What am I moping around for? I’m gonna give ol’ Rifle Ramsey a couple of shots of Garrett gunpowder.
(At that moment, Mr. Ramsey comes in as they laugh and Blair motions that he is right behind her)
SUE ANN
Behind you.
(Mrs. Garrett sheepishly turns around and sees him standing there)
MRS. GARRETT
Oh, Mr. Ramsey. You didn’t happen to hear what I just said, didn’t you?
MR. RAMSEY
I’m afraid I did.
MRS. GARRETT
Well, good. Girls
SUE ANN
Oh, right. (They run upstairs)
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Ramsey, I think it’s time we cleared the air. What’s this about your not wanting me to spend any time with Tootie?
MR. RAMSEY
I did say that, Mrs. Garrett, yes. I apologize. You’re not the problem here.
MRS. GARRETT
I’m glad you realize that.
MR. RAMSEY
You’re just the symptom. Since yesterday, I made some pretty thorough evaluations of Eastland and what it has to offer Tootie. Then I had the pleasure of reading her career essay entitled “My future in Fingernails”.
MRS. GARRETT
But that essay is…
MR. RAMSEY
Please, Mrs. Garrett. I’ve made up my mind. After Career Day talks, I’m taking Tootie out of Eastland.
FADE OUT
FADE IN: The Dorm Room. Tootie is packing her things. The girls come in)
SUE ANN
Tootie, is it true? Is your father pulling you out of school?
TOOTIE
Yeah. In a couple of hours, it’ll be “Toot, Toot, Tootie, Goodbye”.
MOLLY
How can your dad take you out of Eastland? This dump is a great school!
TOOTIE
Daddy says that he’s concerned I’m not reaching my potential here.
BLAIR
It’s so much different if your parents are divorced. They just send the money and smile a lot.
TOOTIE
Daddy says I’m not pushing hard enough. I’m not motivated. He said “Tootie, you’ve got the potential to be a young Margaret Thatcher”.
CINDY
Who’s Margaret Thatcher?
TOOTIE
That’s what I asked. Heh, big mistake.
BLAIR
Everyone knows who Margaret Thatcher is. She’s one of the ten worst dressed women in the world.
SUE ANN
She’s the prime minister of England.
BLAIR
Oh, That too.
CINDY
Tootie, what school is you dad going to put you in?
TOOTIE
Some school in Washington where the kids of foreign diplomats go. I’ll bet my class picture will look like a UNICEF poster.
NATALIE
Well, I guess that means the end of “Nat and Toot’s Beauty Salon”, huh?
TOOTIE
No way, we’re still gonna have our beauty shop. It’s just that Daddy wants me to become the President of the United States first.
(Natalie goes to a trunk and pulls out a dummy with a blond wig on it)
NATALIE
Tootie, I want you to have this to remember me by.
TOOTIE
Oh, Nat. The wig your mom gave us to practice on. Gee, what a friend. Gee, I always wanted to know what it was like to be (She puts on the wig) a blonde.
NATALIE
You look just like Suzanne Somers.
MOLLY
Yeah, another blonde with black roots.
(Tootie and Natalie hug)
TOOTIE
I’ll only wear it on special occasions.
(She takes off the wig. Mrs. Garrett comes in)
MRS. GARRETT
All right, come on now girls. It’s almost time for career day talks.
NANCY
Mrs. Garrett, you’re a good talker. Can you convince Tootie’s father to let her stay?
MRS. GARRETT
At this point, I’m the last person he’ll listen to.
MOLLY
Nancy? Where have you been? Don’t you know that Tootie’s father doesn’t like this school because Mrs. Garrett’s the reason why Tootie’s such a dummy?
TOOTIE
Whoever though my own daddy could be so mean?
MRS. GARRETT
Oh no, Tootie. That’s not true. Try to understand your father. My goodness, he’s worked awfully hard to get you where you are.
TOOTIE
Then why is he taking me out of Eastland when he knows I love it here? Mrs. Garrett, I’m really going to miss you. (She hugs her)
MRS. GARRETT
So, sweetie. I’ll miss you too. Oh, just listen to us. Just listen to us. We’re not gonna give Tootie up without a fight.
(The girls agree)
MOLLY
Hey! I got an idea. We’ll chain Tootie to the front gate, just like Jon Voight in Coming Home.
MRS. GARRETT
I got it! First we’ll go downstairs and convince Tootie’s father to let her stay by using something he respects. Our brains!
TOOTIE
Our brains? Oh, we are in troubbbbbbble!
CUT TO: The Living Room. Mr. Ramsey is giving his speech with the girls in the audience.
MR. RAMSEY
….A Law career is like an old jalopy. You really want it to work, you gotta get behind it and push. Thank you very much.
(The Audience applauds)
MR. BRADLEY
(Standing up) Wonderful! Wonderful! Now, we’ll open the floor to questions, and girls, nothing personal like “What you asked Natalie’s sister”.
(Blair raises her hand)
MR. RAMSEY
Blair.
BLAIR
Mr. Ramsey. Isn’t it illegal to yank a child out of school against her will?
MR. RAMSEY
Not to my knowledge. (Sue Ann raises her hand) Young lady?
SUE ANN
And if she loves that school, isn’t that alienation of affection?
MR. BRADLEY
Now hold it, girls. I know what you’re driving at, but this is not the time nor place to discuss Tootie’s situation.
NANCY
Mr. Bradley, we have to discuss it now!
TOOTIE
Yeah, Mr. Bradley. In ten minutes, I’m gone. So how about it, Daddy? Can we get on my case?
MR. RAMSEY
Sure, I can handle a forum. Fire away!
NATALIE
Can I talk? I got plenty to say.
BLAIR
No Natalie. I know you’re gonna tell Mr. Ramsey what a wonderful and loyal friend Tootie is, but we gotta stick to the facts.
CINDY
That’s right, we can’t stoop to emotions, like how much we love her.
SUE ANN
And how generous she is with her care packages.
NANCY
And how she makes us laugh.
NATALIE
I won’t say any of those things (She sits down)
BLAIR
Molly.
MOLLY
Mr. Ramsey. I like to present Exhibit A, which is Tootie’s grades. I got them from Mrs. Packard’s office who is always truthful, even when her dentures wobble when she talks. “A, A, B, A. Cooperative, enthusiastic, talks too much…” Uh-oh. That’s gym, but that doesn’t count. (She hands the paper to him and sits down. Everyone applauds)
MR. RAMSEY
Thank you very much, Molly. I know that Tootie’s grades are good, and I also knows that she talks quite a bit.
SUE ANN
Mr. Ramsey, Eastland’s a terrific place to learn. You won’t find a tougher school anywhere.
NATALIE
Yeah. Before it existed, my mom would have found it.
MR. RAMSEY
Look, girls. I truly appreciate how you feel about Tootie, but I still don’t think that Eastland offers the challenge that she needs.
MR. BRADLEY
Hold it, Mr. Ramsey. I’m gonna call you on that.
TOOTIE
Uh-oh.
MR. BRADLEY
Up until now, I’ve been rather intimidated by what you have accomplished. But we have accomplished a lot here at Eastland, too. This is not a school for rich spoiled girls.
(The girls all look at Blair)
BLAIR
Why is everyone looking at me?
MR. BRADLEY
I think that Eastland offers the kind of challenges that Tootie needs. Our teachers are ranked highest in the state. We’ve got a 90% college placement. Our graduates represent a wide variety of professions throughout the entire country.
(The girls agree and applaud)
MR. RAMSEY
Mr. Bradley. I truly appreciate what you’ve said, too, but I must stand by my decision. Tootie, are you all packed?
(Tootie nods)
BLAIR
I guess we didn’t convince the jury, didn’t we, Mrs. Garrett?
MRS. GARRETT
You did just fine, Blair. Mr. Ramsey, Can I see you and Tootie for a moment in my chambers?
MR. RAMSEY
Oh course, Mrs. Garrett.
TOOTIE
If I’m not out in five minutes, raffle off my skates.
CUT TO: Mrs. Garrett’s room. Tootie and her father are sitting in a chair.
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Ramsey. I’m sure you know a lot about education. Are you sure you know so much about what young girls think? When I was Tootie’s age, I wanted to be so many things. A ballerina, A scientist, a jockey. Fortunately for the horse, I changed my mind. But changing your mind is par for the course when you’re 12 years old.
MR. RAMSEY
Mrs. Garrett, I understand what you’re saying, but…
MRS. GARRETT
Please, I’m on a roll. Mr. Ramsey, fess up. Didn’t you have a dream or two when you were 12 years old? Hmmmm?
MR. RAMSEY
No, I wasn’t dreaming. I was preparing for a serious and meaningful future.
TOOTIE
Daddy, aren’t you forgetting about Buffalo Ramsey?
MRS. GARRETT
Buffalo Ramsey?
TOOTIE
Oh yeah. Grandma’s got photo albums full of ol’ Buffalo with boots on, twirling his rope. She said Daddy used to roll in the dust just so he could like a real cowboy.
MRS. GARRETT
Mr. Ramsey, if you leave her here with us, I can promise you she can end up with a career she loves. Let us help her with her first few steps, please?
CUT TO: Living room. Everyone is talking and Nancy is listening at the door.
BLAIR
Nancy? They are having a private conversation. (Nancy shushes her) You can’t eavesdrop like that!
MR. BRADLEY
Of course not.
BLAIR
This is the way to eavesdrop. (She picks up a glass and puts it on the door. Nancy picks one up as well and listens in. The door opens and Tootie comes out) Hi!
TOOTIE
Guess what? I’M STAYING!!!!!
(Everyone gives her a group hug as the episode ends)
